That might explain how I was able to dive deep so quickly. I had been meditating for years, but never quite like this.
I somehow knew how to get there, and I did so quickly. They call it “Bhanga” – complete dissolution. Pure presence, no body, no thought.
Time, and space lost.
But I went too deep, too fast.
As impatient as always, I jumped the gun once again. For the next time I sat to meditate, all I felt was pain. Darkness, pushing me down. My fear was palpable.
My teacher said that it was good, that I had brought up a lot of deep rooted garbage onto the surface. Now it was my job to remove these Sankaras;’ karmic remnants, my reactive nature engrained into my energy-body over the course of many years and lifetimes.’
Now, my job was to be non-reactive.I kept telling myself, “Annica,, Annica,,,, it will all pass, its temporary, this is not you, don’t identify with the pain,,,,, simply experience it”.
Equanimity is the goal, reactivity is the adversary. I laid in bed until sunrise, and through non-reactive observation, slowly peeled away the Sankaras. These layers of past pain piercing my brain, my spine and my entire body. For the last few days of the retreat, all I kept telling myself was “Anicca,,, Anicca”. this too shall pass.
Did I feel any different? Not really. I decided to put Vipassana out of my mind.
But I WAS different.
The next few months made it clear that a change had occurred. Clarity.
Being in the flow.
Something within me told me to resume my meditation practice, which I did.
I realize that mindfulness meditation is part of my progress to insight. It is fundamental to my spiritual journey.
To know that nothing in me is fixed, nothing about anyone or anything is fixed.
Summer – Winter
Light – Dark
Everything in a process of arising and passing.
I have so much more to discover, so much more dhamma to learn. I try my best to sit back and simply experience.
Sometimes I forget. Things get dark, I see no way out, there is no hope.